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By
Catherine M. Pruissen
Understanding
children's feelings can help parents and child care
providers communicate more effectively with their
children. Sounds simple, but as we all know dealing
with a child's unhappy feelings is never easy.
Children
are capable of the same emotions - pleasure, anger,
fear, joy, sadness - as adults. Just think about what
your child's day is like and you'll see a full range
of emotions. One minute they are thrilled to master
a new skill or want to express heartwarming love.
The next minute they are frustrated because they can't
do something or an older child is upsetting them.
It is dealing with these negative emotions that most
parents and caregivers need help.
It
is important to help children deal constructively
with their emotions. The first (and the hardest) thing
to do is to remain calm when face-to-face with your
child's frustration and anger. A child who is irritable
or for whom nothing seems to be right, can be quite
a challenge. Still, controlling your emotions is half
the battle. Take a deep breath and try to understand
that children are not out to get you they just experience
emotions very intensely.
Second,
remember to let your child know that you understand
their feelings. You give a message of respect and
help relieve the tension in so doing. Try saying "You're
really upset, aren't you . . . " rather than
"Stop acting like that!"
Avoid
counterattacks. Instead of getting mad at your child,
try to show you understand. This settles your child
instead of escalating his emotions.
Third,
it is important to set limits. Parents and caregivers
who are controlling, but encouraging, and firm but
also warm, are more likely to have children who develop
self-esteem and the ability to control themselves.
Limitations help children control their impulses,
get along with others, solve problems, and generally
achieve their goals in socially acceptable ways. Effective
limits that help children handle intense feelings
are alternatives and choices. Choices help children
focus on a tasks and can direct away from danger or
other troubled feelings. For example, you might say,
"If Bobby is upsetting you, you can tell me about
it, but I can't accept you hitting him." Or you
might offer choices like "Perhaps you can play
with this fun toy before Bobby, or you can keep me
company in the kitchen where you are away from Bobby."
Reading
stories and fairy tales about other people or animals
who are angry or afraid is a wonderful way for children
to work through these emotions. Stories are good,
non-threatening opportunities to discuss trouble issues.
From
the brochure - Through the Smiles and Frowns,
Understanding Children's Feelings, by Frances
Scott, psychologist and co-author of the book, What
Children Can Tell Us. Erickson
Institute of Advanced Study in Child Development.
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